this isn't who I am..

I have problems. I have alot of issues. Everything someone has gone through or experienced impacts them even if they don't realize it, these then become direct contributions to the type of person we are today. I'm a huge contradiction in every shape and form. There's so many things that have happened good and bad that have made me a mess in my own head. I think things over and over in my mind and then analyze that and the decision that comes from that I reanalyze, it becomes a vicious cycle that I endure daily in mind.
I'm super confident in myself but then I do something weird in my mind where I take that confidence and say I'm a fool and I become a little boy. It doesn't make sense to anyone, nor should it and nor do I really care. I have this sick guard that I put up, I've been hurt alot but know why and refuse to put myself in that position.
I think to myself why is there a sudden change in this conversation pattern or make myself believe something is up. Then I make up conclusions in my mind and convince myself they are real. The fact of the matter is I've hurt myself more then anyone ever has, anything that has been done to me I convince myself is whatever and then I fuck myself in the head. This is a ramble that should not make coherent sense to anyone but me..
I play parts that I know will get me in good, I know what needs to be said or done and then I do it, when I do things the right way though it's a mess.
I put myself in the form of songs all the time, I become that person who regulates their thought because of the song. I find myself all the time coming to certain albums that get me.
I get tattoos to remind me of things and that are a map of who I am and where I've been...
I have the state of New Jersey done to remind me of home and the place I'm from with the lyrics around it because of Keith and his impact he had on me, taking me on tour and showing me beauty in destruction. I have two AFI tattoos because they were mine, they gave me ideas and opened my eyes, helped me through all and let me discover myself. Alkaline Trio for the same reason and because of memories. The Bouncing Souls heart for what they did and also cause I wear my hear on my sleeve way to much and its always cracked, right next to it is a drama magnet because that is what has done it to me, I need to remind myself to look out. The bayside bird for same said reasons. And a razor blade slicing my writs for reasons you don't want to know.
I forever gave up eating animals not because it was trendy but because I don't think it's correct and I find the more I think about it the more disgust I have for humanity.

I'm tired of thinking things through to much and creating my own conclusions. I'm tired of believing that I found something great and its amazing and then all of a sudden just be let down. I'm tired of convincing myself things and going from a person who is full of confidence to a fucking insecure fool. I let myself do it to myself and it's a pain.
Sometimes I try to think about all the girls I've hooked up with and I can't remember them all but I get embarassed formyself cause it's so high. I've been good since August though and I'm not this permiscuous mess anymore. I find myself disgusted when girls throw themselves at me or people in general, have some respect for yourself, within the first 5 minutes of a conversation you should not be telling the other how you'll fuck them. I like the challenge of working towards it and then when it starts to happen I get disgutsted and don't want to speak to them. I like it when it's a two sided street where you work for it but at the same point its not something where you feel that you are harassing them. Personally I need clear clues and things said so I don't convince myself otherwise and just leave them alone. Thats what I'm doing right now and I think it's probably what is wanted.

I was at a bar the other night and it was crowded these girls were talking to me and my friend. I was already wanting to leave cause at the time I was content with what was going on in my life, they said something and I mentioned something about a book, the one responded with an I don't read just magazines, you're a fool and I hate that, I walked out not even attempting to be social. I get hit on alot and it feels good but I really don't care especially right now. I need to know what is really going on instead of making my own conclusions which I just came to.

This is a ramble but I don't really care. The vodka and tonic's have taken their toll and I'm going to try and smile now.

Don't judge me on this, I do that enough on my own. Don't be scared of me cause of this, I'm really not that big of a mess.
All in all I''m a fucking catch and a blast to know, or so I've convinced myself..

I hate myself, more than I ever let on.
I'm burned out at 22.
I lived too fast and I loved too much
and I'll die too young,
but I chose this cup that I drank from
.Knew what I was getting into.
But I couldn't let out what I had to keep in.
I'm ashamed of myself and unspeakable sins,
that I've committed and...